I took down this journal and put it back up again. That's probably about 7 times now, and many early posts are long deleted.
This is a typical reaction.
The ACOA child is undeserving of credit, and seeks to diminish itself of responsibility. It also seeks to play down talents or skills as if these things are merely passing strangers.
As a child I felt I was gifted yet was frozen by the thought of using this in a way that exposed me to failure.
The undeserving adult is no different, and the child is merely wearing the adult like a costume.
In the story, there is a fierce struggle. It was a surprise to me that the struggle would be so fierce and the resistance so unrelenting. The controller and the controlled, locked in remorseless combat.
Today I stood up and looked back at the debris from the past month. In the story, there is a similar battle, and almost, a defeat.
Yet there is an inevitability that the story provides me. A sense of fate.
Of living in parallel to it.
Yet the ground still shifts underneath my feet.
If this journal is a thing, it is at least an account of things as they are. The honesty and public expression of honesty are a searing concept. There must be no hiding.
by Paul Sinclair