In this entry I would like to register the difficulties encountered in self-examination, and in terms of processing and action.
The drag-pull of trauma yields a constant battle. Though patterns are continually disrupted, and resemble ADHD- like symptoms (interestingly this is a realistic & untested prospect). Anxiety is a central axis upon which other emotions and actions pivot; and most efforts tend to be reactions rather than actions. Memory is affected in terms of having to rediscover the state of play in a constant searching for the end of the thread. Where was I?
Underneath the fluctuating of day-to-day activities lays a general sense of unease and fear; the knot (also knows as Generalised Anxiety).
Self-perception and esteem fluctuates from confident to near-collapse. Front and run. Commit and hide.
This makes the undertaking of a PhD a considerably difficult affair.
Thoughts on the effects of narrative: At this stage I have very positive thoughts relating to my created characters, and visualise myself as akin to the Moth character. I almost picture this creature and in my mind's eye in his struggle. I will him onwards. I am also the boy, so in this sense I am performing an act of self- rescue. I think about this story and these characters and try to live the ideas I have created in my own real existence. This is influencing me, and has led to changes in my thinking. This is a real and tangible effect. I feel a sense of duty and accountability to these fictional avatars. This is very interesting to me.
by Paul Sinclair
This journal confronts childhood trauma, adult PTSD and anxiety disorder. There are also experiential themes of ACOA (being an adult child of an alcoholic).