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Reflections
These poems are completely amateur so please don't judge too harshly. I could find no way of straight writing and kept deleting my efforts. The poems seems to be sticking. 

found wanting..

9/9/2020

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The people had judged you and have found you wanting, but they didn't detect what you have in store for them. 

They were wrong. 

What you had, you had kept a a most deep secret, so that they could not erase all of you. 

When it comes, they will be all swept away.

​MOTH


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Take me with me

9/2/2020

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Where I go, there  again
too and fro ,  back and forth  around in circles  
square dancing in tired triangles
take your head along a body bicycle
route unknown, trying to out wit the very wheels
whipping your body along  lanes lined with icy dread
treading in circles

cycling backwards  reversing  up and mounting pavements
peculiar shapes   bumping along broken and battered   statements
staying with it only to veer wildly off into a thicket
brambles..
scrambling to understand  the mumbles lines praying for 
some kind of saving  agent, ageing, waiting for  sane  moments
I'm not crazy. 

​I just can't outrun my brain.
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mind pulse

7/21/2020

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Mechanical pulse  grates like granite boulders; 
blocks, rocks; frozen rigid shoulders
spines   and neural   passages passing
the time inert,  passively;
parsing  repeating memories
removing particles in miles -out extremities 
extruding  free radicals, finally freed,
exuding radical ideas and emboldened mind seeds.
Thud thud thud goes the blood stream. 
A headache  crown on top of a  spinal  dream. 


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nowhere is quiet

7/8/2020

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Pitch sharp crystal glass crashing alarm bells ringing
pummelling frontal wall in your face gnashing
eyes bulging shouting at dogs barking blaming
basically nothing on no-one
the noise is only children playing
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I suck

7/7/2020

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I suck at this , that , those,  writing prose;
pretending to know , yet not knowing  but smiling 
yet not smiling,  a dead-eyed doze ,  feet tapping
a thousand tap  tap tap -dance , jiggling knees , twitching toes
eyes flicking  flickering , bony elbows
digging in ,  scraping on sandpaper pillows.

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down the curtain

7/6/2020

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closed stone apertures  , dingy gaps , cave holes 
tightly snapped  , gripped, tracking apps 
retracting back, trying to close 
swallow grit down with pints of  snow
swallows emerge from nested shallows
shielding,  .. yet viral shadows follow.
Bone marrow, borrowed from tomorrow's 
blood transfusions,  infused with blood red sorrow.
Not the same old too -and-frow..  oh no... 
Go for a walk, tread the same tired steps away from 
dread. Wash your inside face in  alcohol. 
Numb the feeling , strum the rails , clasp  tightly
to bony walls. You can't leave it at home. 
Its there in your head  silly boy. 
Stagger across a road, almost run over by a red 
speeding wheelbarrow. Get back in the hedge
a leafy hug and place to  hide  and join Swallow
in it's nest.  

Curtain drawing across beating chest 
vision draping , curling  wings   like feathered fingers
getting ready to sing.  Better think of something. 
This head needs a new tune , a new ring tone 
and a new head for this body to follow. 
Come this way , meander that way
but stay off of the same old road. 
A year of writing the same old .
Drawing the same  old. 
just looking for a hand to hold.











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the gull

6/22/2020

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gull sweeps   sleigh  figure eights 
escaped , wind  unabated 
breezing  , blasting cloud into strange shapes
this one an ape , that one  a rat  impaled in  a morbid twist of fate
shouldn't have entered the trap, mate

arrow shaped
now  pouring towards the earth  like a savage dart
dragged downwards in a steep arc 
a family in a park, someone parking a car   
someone opening a jar of  hate

dark dogs barking  themselves into a stalemate
gull can relate
railing at a mirror image in a lake
Narcissus finding his soul mate
a Trumpian character trait
a deadly virus waits 


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bad day

6/14/2020

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rising 
.......

.......

Oh today.
sick ache  swirling mind 
a seed planted from a news web site
roots take hold   tight  and even more tightly
snaking around  nose, mouth and eyes.

.......

.......

​panic 



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June 07th, 2020

6/7/2020

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this was deleted. 
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fields of treason

4/4/2020

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Treason fields teasing  yields  unforseen  forsaken  tolls 
taken and taking  amid languid raking strolls  breezing through fake weekends
leaping weeks and lurching months concealed amid four dour walls;
ceilings pressing, faces pressed flat to dirty glass  windows,
straining to see an end to unrelenting isolation  or any hopeful signs
of Heroes leading nations yet  to emerge from shallow  turgid doldrums.
No leaders emerge but the usual  misleading scourges regurgitating hurtful words
designed to divide  and subdivide villages and town halls. 

Still its worth remembering  where it all emerged from, 
Foisting primitive urges, urging on a resurgent   purge of all words and deeds worthy
of civilised discourse. . in the worship of wealth. 
No use  in forging alliances  or embracing old friends  until a malign Virus 
forces us to return to the mirror of life, to stare our selves in  full force of true 
Self .


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    by Paul Sinclair


    This journal confronts childhood trauma, adult PTSD and anxiety disorder. There are also experiential themes of ACOA (being an adult child of an alcoholic).

    I'm hoping this research and testimony can help the 1 in 5 children and adult children either experiencing addiction and abuse, or the adult consequences. 

    ​We can heal ourselves. 

    https://nacoa.org/
    https://adultchildren.org/
    ​https://www.mind.org.uk/

    THIS IS A CHAOTIC AND PERSONAL ACCOUNT, PLEASE ALLOW FOR FREE THOUGHTS, EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION AND POETRY. 

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  • BLACKFLAME MOVIE
  • TRAUMA Reflections
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