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These poems are completely amateur so please don't judge too harshly. I could find no way of straight writing and kept deleting my efforts. The poems seems to be sticking. 

The dream loop

6/24/2019

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Dreams have influenced many junctures of my life, and instigated actions that have had profound effects. An example might be my dream about being a police officer; and so that came to pass. Yet this wasn't a prediction coming true, but rather a subconsciously derived story that bubbled to the surface. I acted upon the emotional impulses experienced in the dream; namely a desire for respect , a need to display bravery, and a desire for esteem. 

Trauma dreams to me are so common as to be deemed normal. My sleep-scape is usually a congested highway of panic and fear, manifesting in jolts, jumps and sometimes even shaking. Then there are a set of usual suspects; returning to my old army unit for the thousandth time; being out on duty with the police & with my sworn-in powers redacted so I am reduced to a pitiful facsimile in costume; imposter syndrome.

Then there are the trauma dreams. The guilt dream where she comes back from the grave and stands silently at the door and I ask her why she isn't dead. She didn't die and has been living away somewhere for years. But I want her to be dead so I scream at her and there is no reply. Other trauma moments involve a return to the child somehow as an adult, and reliving the tempest and many of the details of my childhood. 

I have encountered a loop. Given that my film mirrors actual dream elements (the door sequence) and also is bound to real impulses and actions; it was no surprise that a dream would return a view of all of this activity. This occurred some weeks ago in an experience so intense that I woke up whimpering as described in the a recent entry. The dream subconscious  had tapped into the narrative of my film and had a verdict to deliver. The verdict was that I had been lying to myself. I immediately wrote nine pages of notes downstairs in a most lucid state. I was amazed; the dream had assimilated the fictional characters from my film and had played these characters in a way that shocked me. 

So the loop goes like this; I have now responded to it's response to me, and I was now able to see clearly my error as a result. Perhaps it will reply at some point? 
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    by Paul Sinclair


    This journal confronts childhood trauma, adult PTSD and anxiety disorder. There are also experiential themes of ACOA (being an adult child of an alcoholic).

    I'm hoping this research and testimony can help the 1 in 5 children and adult children either experiencing addiction and abuse, or the adult consequences. 

    ​We can heal ourselves. 

    https://nacoa.org/
    https://adultchildren.org/
    ​https://www.mind.org.uk/

    THIS IS A CHAOTIC AND PERSONAL ACCOUNT, PLEASE ALLOW FOR FREE THOUGHTS, EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION AND POETRY. 

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  • BLACKFLAME MOVIE
  • TRAUMA Reflections
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