In this entry I would like to register the difficulties encountered in self-examination, and in terms of processing and action.
The drag-pull of trauma yields a constant battle. Though patterns are continually disrupted, and resemble ADHD- like symptoms (interestingly this is a realistic & untested prospect). Anxiety is a central axis upon which other emotions and actions pivot; and most efforts tend to be reactions rather than actions. Memory is affected in terms of having to rediscover the state of play in a constant searching for the end of the thread. Where was I?
Underneath the fluctuating of day-to-day activities lays a general sense of unease and fear; the knot (also knows as Generalised Anxiety).
Self-perception and esteem fluctuates from confident to near-collapse. Front and run. Commit and hide.
This makes the undertaking of a PhD a considerably difficult affair.
Thoughts on the effects of narrative: At this stage I have very positive thoughts relating to my created characters, and visualise myself as akin to the Moth character. I almost picture this creature and in my mind's eye in his struggle. I will him onwards. I am also the boy, so in this sense I am performing an act of self- rescue. I think about this story and these characters and try to live the ideas I have created in my own real existence. This is influencing me, and has led to changes in my thinking. This is a real and tangible effect. I feel a sense of duty and accountability to these fictional avatars. This is very interesting to me.
by Paul Sinclair